• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

  • Take my advice — I’m not using it.

  • Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

  • I make progress by having people around me who are smarter than I am and listening to them. And I assume that everyone is smarter about something than I am. —-Henry J. Kaiser

  • The glass is neither half full nor half empty. The size of the glass could be more appropriate.

  • When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president. I’m beginning to believe it.

  • When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’ –Don Marquis

  • In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

  • Time does’nt exist. Clocks exists.

  • I don’t want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit for the one thing you’ve done yourself?

  • Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

  • Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.

  • A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  • It is not that I trust you. It is because I am lazy.

  • The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.

  • I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

  • Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.

  • When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  • Wherever smart people work, doors are unlocked. — Steve Wozniak

  • People who are smart get into Mensa. People who are really smart look around and leave. – James Randi

  • I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

  • If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

  • An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.

    Niels Bohr

  • I’m a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.

    Thomas Jefferson

  • The good times of today, are the sad thoughts of tomorrow. —Bob Marley

  • He who can, does – He who cannot, teaches.

    George Bernard Shaw